Violent trumping causes unknown emotional damage to four year old!

Mr O and I decided to do a two week detox/boost diet thingy before our holiday in a few weeks. We just fancied a little boost as we’ve been feeling the pressure a bit recently and felt we needed a little clean out.

Unbeknown to us that’s exactly what we would be getting …in spades!

We have been doing it five days now and it’s all a bit surprising.

The foods been lovely actually and we both know that if we weren’t actively aware we are on the program we’d be enjoying it as normal. But no it just doesn’t feel enough.. we are craving sandwiches (we don’t normally eat sandwiches) and a not grabbing a quick cereal is causing Mr O great distress…

To lift the mood I’ve got the stuff in to make gin and tonics today as it’s ‘allowed’ so that will cheer him up! If it doesn’t at least he’ll be pissed and forget about sandwiches for a bit!

Anyway.. I digress…

Yesterday we did start to notice a difference in our bodies.. both of us… !!!

So my swollen tummy has halved in sized (I’m pretty sure it’s the bread that’s been making me so bloated). Mr O has noticed a weird salty taste in his mouth and most noticeable of all.. we both are trumping like troopers!

It’s bad! It’s not the kind of trumps that are silent and deadly but the kind that are loud and rattle the bedposts!

Violent trumping!!! (VT)

I’ve never violently trumped before! But yesterday I sneezed and my bottom made the most ridiculously noisy ‘dad’ fart ! It actually vibrated against the chair and hurt my buttocks!!!!

What. The. Actual. F*ck????

Anyway it made me jump and as I jumped up from my chair in horror it made Kitty jump and yelp in fear! She then frightened the cat who deftly shot off leaving the cat flap swinging in the shocked aftermath …. like a pendulous plastic tumble weed!

This all happened in a millisecond and I was left stood looking at Kitty, who was looking at me, shocked and horrified in equal measures.

I may have scarred her for life! Will this be an event she recalls in therapy in her twenties? Will she need intensive Emdr therapy to rid herself of this traumatic memory?

Later on Mr O was fitting the new dishwasher and one of these violent trumps forced its way through his work trousers as he leaned towards the stop tap .. as it came without warning he jumped and banged his head on the worktop he was currently under doing the plumbing. Kitty jumped in shock and as she did she stepped back and stood in the cat food! In disgust she cried out and as she removed her foot she knocked over the cats water. As her screams grew in volume and horror with each passing event, her Daddy tried to scramble out of the cubbyhole was working in to get to her…but as he tried to turn he knelt on a screw on the floor which, got him in the exact place that takes out every part of your ability to hold your body upright.. causing him to collapse in a heap and slump back against the unit knocking off a plate that was innocently waiting to be washed in the new dishwasher! … it smashed on the floor.. the cat ran out again the cat flap swinging in the silent aftermath once more!

Mr O stared at our daughter, as he slumped in a pathetic heap under the kitchen sink while she returned her equally appalled look. She stood one foot in a puddle and the other raised displaying squashed meaty chunks (from whiskers gravy range) oozing between her tiny glitter painted toes.

We are really messing with our four year olds stress levels now!

Friday night is Kitty’s night for been allowed in our bed.. so as she was starting to get sleepy last night while in the middle of us both, we discussed the events of the day. Suddenly mr O did, one of these now normal, violet trumps!

We laughed and I said ” at least aim your arse away from me” he maturely responded by explaining he was “keeping Kitty’s feet warm”

Well our 4 year old saw red, it was the final straw ! She’d Been putting up with this all day after all!

She threw back the covers “daddy now my feet are too warm! I don’t want you to warm them up!”

She was ready to cry and very cross…

…to cut a long story short I spent the next half hour ‘wafting’ her feet to cool them down from Daddy ‘over heating’ them with his violent trump!

You really couldn’t make this shit up!

We start today with a sense of interpretation not knowing when the VT will strike next!

Wish us luck!

Dry Skin and Witch Craft Cures for my ED Family

I’ve been living with ED carriers for 25 years ( yes it’s a big anniversary coming up) and in that time I’ve learned that one of the biggest problems my brood is dry, cracked and sore skin.

My husband particularly has hands and feet that are really dry and the skin is super thick. Before we knew of the condition the joke in the family was that the men….

‘…have feet only a cheese board would be proud of!’

But the uncomfortable, thick, cracked skin is on the heels and balls of the feet can be uncomfortable and frankly a cause for embarrassment.

Of course it gets worse at different times of the year.. winter dries in the cold and skin gets chapped and sore… summer brings sun burn and dehydration.

So what can we use to help it?

You can spend a fortune finding the right product but I have found them… it’s easy, cheap and so affective it’s almost magic!

There’s so many products on the market but I’ve realised you can get so much more for your money and make creams and potions that are so so much better, if you do it yourself.

img_2845I’ve always been interested in making my own body products from natural and organic ingredients. So much so that I’ve built up a massive menu of recipes over the years and I have become a bit of an expert. I’ve even been teaching others how to create their bespoke potions at Glastonbury and other festivals for over a decade as well As runing private classes from my studio and at other venues.

I don’t sell my products, its not what I want to do,  but I have a steady stream of family and friends with various skin and hair problems who I make things for. For me it’s about sharing the knowledge and telling people how easy it is it find the perfect solution for so many skin problems.

I was asked last week what I would recommend for ED carriers and their skin problems .. so I wrote this to share my advice… I hope it helps not just those with Ed but those with any skin conditions and those without any at all… we all need a bit of pampering .

So it’s very simple… I have two basic ingredients and you can use household ingredients to adapt them! All quick and easy and you don’t need any special ingredients or kit. You can make things in seconds and without loads of mess.

Here’s my top tips and basic easy ideas for helping!


Cocoa butter.


This is the best stuff ever!!!! Buy a lump of cocoa butter from Amazon (or similar). It comes in a big block which can be broken up into smaller bits or melted and poured into tins.

It’s all you need!

Use it as a ultra moisturising balm, face cream, lip balm, hair conditioner, dab it on a cut to stop it bleeding and stop dirt getting inside, use it to polish your table or lubricate your saw.. the uses are endless… its naturally antibacterial and frankly it’s quite magical!

The best thing is you don’t have to prepare it.. I generally break it into a few good sized lumps.. about three/four inches across.. it’s not an exact science and it’s doesn’t brake in perfect squares it’s just a glorious big old lump of goodness.

You can store it in a little sandwich bag or just keep it on the side (unless you live somewhere super hot or it’s on a sunny window-ledge) it won’t melt into a puddle. .

As it has a low-ish melting point all you have to do is rub the block in your hands to dispense it. It starts melting straight away but only the bits your are touching softens, not the whole block. This means you only get the right amount and you don’t use too much.

It spreads a long way and is silky to the touch, so soft and smooth.. and it smells divine!

It’s pure solid cocoa butter so it does the job better than anything on the market.. you might buy creams with cocoa butter for the shops but take a look at the ingredients , often there’s only 5% of actual cocoa butter in it, the rest is wax, water, glycerine and alcohol.. as well as preservatives and perfume.. non of which are necessary.. here you have 100% natural moisturising heaven! You obviously don’t need to use too much and it will last for ever!!! (It doesn’t go off either)

(The manufacturers know how brilliant this stuff it and they know if they put too much in their products it will last you for ages and you’l never need to buy it again!)

Use it on your skin or lips, rub it straight onto legs and arms.. get your partner to rub one of the pointy bits into your muscles for a soothing massage… it’s just so very lovely.

It kind of creates a lovely barrier on your skin too, not oily but more of a balm type feel.. and it sinks into your skins so gently.. you feel the goodness and soothing nature of it straight away.

It’s a fantastic moisturising balm that works on everything especially eczema and very dry and sore areas where it not only moisturises but cleanses and protects too!

Making Cocoa butter in to creams/ lotions

If you want to create something a bit more prescriptive or create a more creamy texture, just shave a bit into a bowl (I use a cheese grater) and microwave (checking every few seconds like when you melt chocolate ) add a few drops of essential oils an

d some olive oil (about a quarter oil 3/4 cocoa butter but it’s not a problem if you use more or less) and pour into a tin/container. Let it cool and solidify . You will have something that is softer more cream like (but not liquid) that you can use as a whole load of stuff.

Essential Oils to Try…

  • Eucalyptus or tea tree oils for acne, burns or sores
  • Lemon or grapefruit oils for greasy skin or itchy patches .. it’s also very cooling.
  • Lavender or camomile for painful, sore or irritated skin.


If you pour your mix into a tin or pot and seal it, it will last years and years.

Scrubs/masks for super dry and sore skin!

To remove dead skin and to get a super strenth rescue moisturising soft treatment You can add brown sugar or salt to the above recipe (don’t use salt on your face or on sore bits of skin.. brown sugar is much softer and gentle.. sat is great for tougher skin on your feet/ knees/elbows) this make a face or body scrub with added moisture and softness .

To do this create the mix as instructed above then add the salt/sugar after you’ve added the olive oil, stir before poring into a container.

Just a couple of teaspoons will do.. you dont want it to be all scrub, its a more gentle scrub than a rough rub!

Use a small amount ,scrub your skin gently and sit back  letting it sit on your skin for as long as you want, rinse off the salt/sugar with warm water and pat dry with a soft towel.. the oils remain on your skin and you will feel soft and dewy! It really feels like you’ve been to an expensive spa yet it cost less than £2!

It really soothes your itching and sore skin patches too… especially if you use camomile or lavender oils.

I keep a pot by the sink and in the shower so the gang can reach it any time and integrate it into their routine.

The quick power fix for the hooves and paws!

This is the ultimate for a quick and very powerful fix very dry hands and feet!

Just mix olive oil and salt/sugar together and rub into the skin, (tea tree or citrus oils are lovely and refreshing too but you could just add lemon juice if you don’t have any.. but it’s not necessary) rub your hands together like you are washing them or give your feet a vigorous rub with it… Rinse and pat dry.

It’s so powerful and also removes every single big of dirt and grime making sure you don’t get any sores.

Use brown sugar if you have any cuts or open sores.. it won’t kill you but it will sting!

I’ve never found any product that works better!

Do it daily if you need to.. it won’t do any harm to your skin.

Soothing and cooling and feels so luxurious afterwards! It costs pence too!



Aloe Vera for cooling and soothing 



The other ingredient I have in the house all the time is Aloe Vera Gel.

We probably all buy this as after sun cream or for soothing itchy skin so we are familiar with it.

Again often it’s mixed with other stuff to water it down.. but you can buy 100% aloe Vera Gel on line and it’s glorious!!!

A ‘small’ 1Kg bucket full of the stuff cost about £7.99 and because you get so much you can slather it on its very lovely.

Use it to simply to cool down skin or to simply sooth itchy, sore or dry patches. It’s simple and easy and won’t do anything to you that can cause harm.

Great for scratches, eczema, cuts, and any other dryness even in intimate areas too.

It’s so simple and easy.. again I decant into little pots and leave in the kids rooms and bathroom.

They even take little pots of aloe gel to school with them in the summer or when we are travelling.. it’s just very useful.. especially in the warmer weather to be able to dip their finger in and put on their wrists for instant cooling. Adding lemon oil gives a refreshing feel too… keep it in the fridge for extra cooling!

I use this on the long haul flights to bring the swelling in my old lady feet down. 

You can buy different sized tins and pots from Amazon too, from lip balm size to bigger pots .. it makes everything look and feel so special too having cool little pots everywhere and its so handy to be able to keep topping it up from the bucket each day.


Wrinkled bits!!

Just as a final note you can use cocoa butter as an anti wrinkle balm.. (something I know ED carriers often have under their eyes).

For this trick you need melt and pour the cocoa butter into latex moulds or ice cube trays. (You may have some cupcake moulds in the baking cupboard already.. square or round both work well.)

When they are set hard you remove from the mould and they are ready to use with no added ingredients.

To use. Smooth the bar of butter firmly over the wrinkled area and hold for a few moments, holding the wrinkly bits flat. Do this a few times and you can see the difference immediately. Skins is lifted and smoother instantly, the balm holds the wrinkles open so you have the lift and smoothing. you can use this on any of your wrinkly bits.

Although it only last a few hours it’s a little trick and can be used under make up to give you a quick fix.


Have a go!

So that’s it.. I have tons of recipes and I’m happy to help you if you want something specific.. but this is something you can developer yourself too. Its great fun to experiment and you can try using shea Butter, mango butter and many other butters and waxes too… but I will always return to Cocoa butter,

The best thing about using organic and natural products is that you can’t go wrong.. you won’t damage your skin and you can ‘ruin’ the product.. just play around with it.

I’ll do another piece at a later time with other ideas and ingredients to try.

But for now.. you need cocoa butter and aloe Vera gel and the whole family will be sorted for the summer 🙂

Enjoy making potions and enjoy your daily homemade spa sessions!!!



Note; it’s worth checking if any of the essential oils I mentioned may contradict with any of your conditions such as pregnancy and asthma. The ones I mentioned are generally pretty safe but do check to be sure.

Cocoa butter can be bought here


Aloe Vera here


Essential oils here


Tins here



Disclaimer: These are my own tried and tested recipes, they are not licensed or publicly tested. This blog is purely for your information and any products made are done so at your own risk.

How hard is it to book aholiday?

Five years ago we went on holiday, as a family of six we don’t go every year, we have to save up and go at least every 3 years… but this time its been longer.

We managed to get a few city breaks in between our big holidays, this year we went to Norway for 5 days in the winter and a few years ago we went to Paris for our daughters 18Th ( even if she didn’t come with us. …but that’s another story) With our festivals and little road trips in-between we get our adventures and we are happy to have it like that… but this year we needed and wanted our holiday..

We work through the summer and money can be tight so we tend to save up and have a really great holiday every few years.

We’ve been saving up for a special holiday this year, with special birthdays, graduations, celebrations and anniversaries ( one going 13, one going 18, us reaching a mile-stone in our marriage ( that makes us feel very old), )


We wanted something special.

We had saved the cash and we were going to do it.. lets book..

Day one.. we start to look for a holiday….

  • I text the eldest daughter see if she wants to come ( she’s at uni) she does…


  • I’m   doing this…

Day 2-4

  • Three days of looking around and deciding where to go ensues..
  • The kids all want to go back to Mexico.. (we went there for our last trip 5 years ago)
  • We tell them its time to do something new.. they sulk…we ignore them


Day 5

  • Text eldest daughter who is away at uni.. ” are you still coming on holiday? we need to book today” she replies saying she’s not sure if can afford it, she also needs exact dates which we can’t give her as we have to know how many people we are booking for.
  • We explain this and tell her we will foot the bill and she just needs spending money.
  • 10 calls and loads of texts later she decides she cant make it this time.
  • No problem… we start to search for 5 people rather than 6…


Day 5.. evening:  We find a great deal to Dominican Republic!!!

  • Its now evening and this is a great deal!!!! two weeks for 5 people, all inclusive, loads of pool space and on the beach, close to the town.. its all good…. show the kids they love the look of it.. its in budget and looks good.
  •  I get it ready to go.. put the personal info in and just before pressing ‘Pay now’ think I should give The eldest another chance to change her mind.
  • Text eldest child “we are booking now.. you sure you aren’t coming?”
  • She replies…. ” ok I’ll come”
  • I reply “are you totally sure?” she rings us again and an hour long conversation takes place about wether she can afford it..she would need to take time off work and needs the cash for other trips she’s has booked.
  • We continue to say we cant decide for her, its up to her…
  • She decided as much as she wants to she cant make it this time.
  • No problem
  • We go back to the computer to pay…
  • The holiday has gone up £1500!!!!!! WTF?


  • Totally over budget..
  • I go back to searching but its late and I need to sleep.


Day 6

  • Wake up and get straight on the computer.. what has happened.. all the holidays are up in price!!!!!

…..not just a bit….

………………………but by by thousands!!!.. ……..( a couple of hundred per person)


  • Wow.. this is crazy… I start to look for alternatives and find a trip to Jamaica, all inclusive so no worrying about food and drinks, little cottages on the beach… looks amazing… its in budget.. we have saved up for somewhere tropical and lovely.. but we still have a budget to stay in..

Decide to just read the reviews…

oh god.. they are terrible..

  • I give up.. I take Jamaica off the list.
  • I give up.. I do other things and forget the holiday I am totally fed up of this shit.. I’m over it.


Day 6 …evening

  • Mr O sees I have given up and decided to have a look himself,

…..its 10pm and I’m in the bath.

……….He comes up with his laptop..

……….he’d  accidentally put in that we could fly from London airports and loads of new places and prices have come up..


  • Thailand ( my dream destination) has come up and this 5 * resort looks amazing…

…..loads of character

………and its bed and breakfast so we can go out and explore  it as a base..

……..I’m in love..

…….best of all it is in budget!!!!

  • We would have to travel down to Heathrow the night before ( we are in Yorkshire) and stay over but thats ok..

I get out of the bath


  • we start to book it


  • …in that half an hour it has gone up..


…..By 300 quid each

…….which mean its gone up by 1,500 for us all..

……..that would have been our food money and travel money getting to London.

  • We go to bed

Mr O lays in bed and thinks about it

…..he decides we should find the extra cash and go for it

……its somewhere we always wanted to go..

…..the hotel is perfect..

…….its a special occasion and we have been saving hard for this…

  • We go to sleep excited.. I kinda fell a bit more in love with him too


Day 7

  • Excitedly we come down and go to book..


…..we are so doing this

.. we put the info in for each person and click the button….

….so exciting…..





.”card declined” 




  • what????

…we know there is the money there

….. we call the bank

  • No problem!

…..there is a security limit of what we can pay at any one time

……they tell us on the phone that they can take off the limit

…….its instant

……we press to pay again




“card declined”




  • What?????
  • maybe we need to give it a minute to make sure the security block is off…

….5 mins later

  • We press to pay.


“card declined”


  • We phone the bank again
  • The operator can see the lady spoke to us

…… she ‘forgot ‘ to take the security block off.

WE ask them to stay on the phone while we book again..

……just in case.

  • We go to press ‘pay now’

Mr O shouts just as I go to confirm

… “stop!!’ ….

  • it has gone up……
  • AGAIN.

  • ……… while we have been putting out information in

……….and trying to book they put the price up by 83 quid each!!!!


  • OMG how can this be happening..

…..its totally out of reach now!!!!!!

  • We ring off from the bank who confirm the block is off

……..should we book in the next hour we will have no problems.

  • I start to search again…
  • The holiday we want comes ups….

it back to the  same price it was last night…!!!!!!!

…………………its only been a few minutes..

……………………….its cheaper again…..



  • We go to book it quick!
  • We press

‘pay now’

……..the visa goes through to the verification box,

……….I go to put the code in…

” visa verification is locked as your card has been declined too many times”

  • WE phone Tui…

‘lets book over the phone’TUI_Main.png..

..the block is off the card,

…… its just the verification,

…………….we don’t need to use that if we pay directly!!!!!

  • Tui answer and they are lovely..
  • we find the same holiday… we are about to book

“can you ring me on a land line and I will take the payment?”

  • We don’t have a land line..

……who has a land line these days?

……we have 5 mobile  contracts!

………why would we pay for a land line too?

  • They cant take a payment from a mobile...


…..there as been a change in the price while we have been talking..

……….back up to an extra £1560 for us all!!!


  • We put the phone down.
  • We have fallen out with Tui!

…………We refuse to look at the site again…

…… We did not discover our smile!!!


  • Mr O starts to look to look at flights and hotel separately…
  • Within minutes we find an amazing holiday..

flights from Manchester to Thailand, with Emerates

( Third Childs dream airline… he’s been drawing pictures of Emerates planes for years)

…..change at Dubai ( exciting)

… in Phuket, Thailand

…..Get a transfer by boat to a little island and stay at the most amazing place,…..own villa,

….own pool,

….5 star retreat

.. and its £1800 under budget!!!


‘It was meant to be!!!!’

  • WE phone the bank

( we aren’t daft!)

……..they confirm the payment will go through..

…. nothing can go wrong!

.. we are totally on it….


  • We press

‘Pay now’

…no verification comes up..

 …its all going well…

We wait as the little circle goes around while it processes the payment…


“Payment declined”


We phone the bank…

Mr O is not calm

“why cant I spend my own money?”

  • The nice man from HSBC looks at the account


He finds that Expedia took the payment in two payments …


one for the hotel

……and one for the flights..

We had security clearance for one f*cking payment!!!!!!

for only one..!!!

They had released the first payment for £3k

…..declined the other.

We are missing 3k

…….. the holiday booking says

“the payment didn’t go through!.”


We phone Expedia…

They have no record of the payment

….but the bank says its left the account…


  • An hour later on a premium number call
  • The man has no ideas what to do..

… he cant find the money

…. he cuts me off when I ask to speak to a supervisor…

….. I ring back… still cant find it

….. I beg them to look harder…

… he justs tries to get me to try the card again….

                       ( I later find has cost over £20)

Finally a supervisor comes on and explains what is going on….

We finally get some answers…..


  • Expedia requested the payment

……the bank released it,

…….the band declined the second payment

………………Expedia then cancelled the first one

…… They  didn’t claim the money from the bank

Nobody has the money!!!

Our money

Our savings

The money is floating around in cyber space.!!!!!!!


  • Expedia send us an email confirming that the money will not be claimed.

… will be credited into our account within 5 DAYS!!!!!

                          … Yes thats right 5  DAYS!!!!!

                             …… 5 sodding days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  • WE decide to risk booking the holiday

……..praying the money comes back without a problem

…………….it is obviously needed for other bills and stuff this month



We phone the Bank and Expedia

……..we  keep them both on the phone while we try book


SO…. we try to










‘pay now’ 





it doesn’t go through…



The man at the bank tells us to hold…

we all hold again


He comes back to us.. tells us to try again…

‘Pay now’




we ALL wait

the circle goes around and around…..

and around

and around





the Expedia man waits




The HSBC man waits 




the kids wait




We all  wait





“your holiday is booked”



I cheer


Mr O cheers


The kids cheer

birthday gif.gif

The HSBC man cheers


The Expedia man cheers


The cat freaks out

… and pisses on the floor!



So a week after I first went to book …we have booked to  go to Thailand… and never has a holiday been more needed or deserved..

WE are STILL waiting for our £3K four days on and can’t afford to pay the mortgage and get this weeks shopping till it does!

We are feeling confident it will come in

                                              .. plus we are going on holiday!


We cant afford new holiday clothes or expensive luggage

.. but thats ok

.. we will happily be the poor relations at the posh resort

… We have our manners and our family….


I just don’t care!!!


NOTE: I’ve had three emails from TUI offering me a further discount per person on each place if I continue with my booking…????!!!!


 ‘“Move Mail to trash”


They text Mr O from the bank

” how did you rate your recent telephone banking experience ?”


The End

PsI tried to buy The rough Guide to Thailands Islands today…  guess what? The visa verification is…..yup…. Blocked!!!!!

To see the amazing place where we are now going clickhere.… Im sure you will agreee its a bit more exciting than a package holiday!!! Cant wait to write about it!

PPS. The Santhiya Resort have already been in touch and so has the airline.. both professional and easy to sort out… Thanks goodness!!!